Ok, this is a long one. Studded with digressions and totally off the cuff. I do not have time to edit this. But someone once told me that if you write down your troubles, they will lessen and eventually fade.
Ok. Performance Anxiety – I have struggled with it for years. It started when I had to take Speech Class in junior HS. I think that the teacher (I do not recall his name but he was truly mean) was in the top ten people I dislike the most in this world. I am not going to give cyberspace that list. It can (1) only get me into trouble and(2) I don’t have the time nor desire to give name to those that have tested my very soul over the years.
And I’m digressing. Speech Class was the worst class I had to take in those years (I’m currently enduring some other ones). I swear the teacher took pride in making fun of people. Being shy, that was quite possibly the worst way to teach me. But when I think of that class, I do remember with fondness, the demonstration that Chris Fallon gave on how to make a Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich. Maybe class was worth that alone.
On that thought, I’m totally gonna digress, because I can write my blog in any damn way that I want.
Chris was one of my favorite people Junior-High School. He was this incredibly cute blond dude that I clicked with. (I was really shy back then and I still don’t know why he wanted to hang out with such a dork). We shared many antics that could be out of Dazed and Confused. Very few people have ever made me laugh so hard. We even fake married right before Music class in I believe 8th grade. But he wasn’t my boyfriend, he was just my dear dear friend (that I TOTALLY would have gone out with). But he was the best. I lost track of him during college but I did see him at one of my HS reunions. It was great to see him, he was seriously as funny. The kind of friend you can just pick up with just like you hadn’t missed 10 years of life). I found out a few years later that he died of cancer at age 31, with a young child. My Dad at 31, so news was quite devastating. I have cried for him and prayed for his widow and child.
Ok, so back to presentations.
I didn’t mind lab presentations back in graduate school. They were usually pretty fun! The one’s at Children’s Hospital got a little more stressful. Preparing for them took a lot of work and distracted me from my research. I certainly got nervous, but I also had a lot of fun in Group Meetings. But there was this one guy that I pretty much despised. I think there are many Scientists love to pick on other people’s thoughts and like to put them on the spot. And the presentations that I’ve had to give elsewhere…..which seems like a bazillion since pretty much solidified that belief (not ALL, just A LOT).
The stress became so bad that for years I didn’t pursue teaching yoga. It was just asking to put self on spot, to willingly speak in public. Yoga- I revere it so much that to take on the teaching role – I just didn’t feel prepared. After practicing yoga for 10 years I decided I’d at least take a teacher training course for the purpose of an immersion experience. I didn’t think I had the courage to actually Teach. But during that amazing experience I found my voice and Gary gave me the chance to teach at The Ashram. I learned so much, had so many great experiences. And more and more here in NM, working at Hot or Not and Vivify. Teaching at Lululemon yesterday was a total gas. I am just simply comfortable teaching Yoga now (I do dream of taking some advanced training but Pima….). And I’m confident in my skills (but I’ve a long way to go!) So I thought I had conquered it….
Enter Pima skill competency tests. I am transported straight back to performance anxiety. I think I am having a reality shock. Knowledge doesn’t translate to putting those facts into action! I have had to re-take several now and it is so frustrating. With each one I feel more weary, less confident. This week I have to do a repeat and a new test. I am honestly scared. But sometimes just sharing makes things fall into place. So cyberspace, help me put on my Big Girl Panties, I have some ass kicking to do!
Luckily I will be teaching my morning class before I have to take on Week 11 of Semester 2. Not that I’m counting, of course.